Same Difference: Kill or Be Killed (2/2)

Same Difference: Kill or Be Killed (2/2)

The case of a lot of different melee weapons.

Part two in my definitive guide to the zombie apocalypse today, but first, people have been asking for my opinions on #Gamergate.

My take: If it’s got guns, I wanna play it. If it’s got princesses, then I don’t. Unless the princesses have guns. Then I’m back in.

But what happens if you haven’t got guns? You need the:


Continued from last month.

Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to deal with things at close range, and there’s no bleed mechanics, air strikes, or armor scores that are gonna save you from a zombie. So what do you need by your side?

SLOT 1: Other People.

Here’s a quick solution: you don’t have to outrun the tiger, just your slowest friend. Which totally doesn’t work in a zombie apocalypse, because you’ve just doubled the number of people after you. Real great idea, you Bromley. First, you killed your friends; now you have to kill your friends while your friends are trying to kill you. Keep those suckers alive.

SLOT 2: Animals.

Well, what about man’s best friend, I hear you ask. MAN’S BEST FRIEND IS A GUN. Guns can’t turn on you the way that dogs can. Well, they can, but only if someone else has them, and we’ve already said they’ve run out of ammo in this scenario, so they can’t hurt you now. Unlike a zombie dog, which still make me [     very upset     ] when I meet them in Resident Evil.

Now imagine any other animal turned into a zombie. And remember that these things are already used to hunting for their food. How scary would a zombie buffalo be? What about a zombie vulture circling around making more zombies? I can already see I’m going to have to write another column about this.


SLOT 3: Swords.

I’m taking swords as in anything big and cutty. Not bothering to go into daikatanas, zweihanders, or scimitars, even though I know loads about all the types of swords.

See, all swords suffer from two big problems. One: chopping stuff that isn’t meant to be chopped, like doors, or electrical cables, or other people. Two: being wielded by idiots. Steve stabbed me with a knife the other day, and we’ve already decided I’m going round his house in the event of an apocalypse, so it’d probably be smarter not to take a sword over there.

SLOT 4: Chainsaws.

See bazookas from last month: real loud, which brings the zombies running. Real messy, which is ace, but they run on fuel. And what do you not have in an apocalypse? Unless you’re in Arabia, in which case go wild with the chainsaws.

SLOT 5: Axes.

Now you’re getting close. You’ve got good chopping skills, good “getting it out of things” skills, and you can also chop wood without it being dead loud. Sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Guess what, though? You’re gonna be chopping things for the rest of the apocalypse, and who wants to spend their entire apocalypse doing chores? Rubbish.

SLOT 6: Nunchakus/Staves.

Have you ever run into a door? Go do that. Now, do you think that would stop a zombie? Those things that don’t feel pain?

SLOT 7: Spears/Polearms/Bec De Corbin.

These kinds of things make holes in stuff. So now you have a zombie with a hole in it. Zombies already have loads of holes in them. They don’t seem to mind that much, even if you hit them in the head.

Hold on, didn’t I already write this?

SLOT 8: Mace/Acid/Pepper spray.

Why not try a taser? Or just throw popcorn at them? Pointless.


SLOT 9: Punching/Martial Arts/Ka-rah-tay.

Ninjas are well-known for being awesome, but it’s no good if you kick the head off a zombie. You’re just making more zombie pieces to come after you. Great idea, brainiac.

So what are we going to use, along with anti-vandal paint, in a zombie apocalypse? If you’re saying nothing works, how do we defend ourselves when we run out of paint? What’s the answer then, sKanDLe?

Simple. Super simple. Simpler than a simple analogy for how simple something is. Simpler even.


How many times have you stood on Legos? Smarts, doesn’t it? But, you say, in that stupid way that keeps interrupting me, zombies can’t feel pain, can they?

No, but humans can. And each one of those zombies was once a human who stood on Legos, so they know. They know how painful it is, in the same way as they know where the brain is. Do you think they teach brain recognition in zombie school? No? Then they must remember. And the memory of how bad it hurts to step on Legos is sure to slow down any zombie, no matter how zombie-fied they are. If you can’t get Lego (though why would you be without them anyway?) then you can use marbles. Or 4-sided dice. Everyone’s got some of them.

That’s solved your zombie apocalypse plan: anti-vandal paint and LEGOs. Which also gives you things to make signs with and play with when you get bored. I’m really treating you here.

So if there is a zombie apocalypse, I’ll expect free trading when I come knocking. I’ll be the one who knocks. But I’m on a roll here, so in part three of my two-part column I’ll show you what you’ll be fighting. Just so you know.

Until then, I’m sKanDLe and you’re not. But you wish you could be. Peace.

TL;DR: Basically hardcore gamer. 100%ed Battlefield on first try.